Since I used to be married to the same woman for more than 21 years -- for better or for worse -- I'm used to having someone around. It's been about three-and-a-half years since my ex-wife and I separated; the divorce became final 10 months ago.
I get lonely sometimes. especially when the kids aren't around and loving couples are exchanging bodily fluids on the HBO movie I'm watching.
Sure, I have good friends who I enjoy and I can always go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting for company and a spiritual connection. But I don't have that special someone in my life, the one who makes my heart go boom-boom-boom instead of my 401(k).
So I thought about clickety-clacking an ad to go on the San Francisco version of Craig's List. I'd place it under the Men for Women section for the Peninsula, which reaches down past me in my Mountain View home, all the way to San Jose.
Since I believe so strongly in the truth (with a small "t", of course), it would read something like this:
Middle-Aged Writer Seeks Interesting, Happy Woman
I'm a balding, 50+ man looking for an interesting and happy woman close to my age. I'm hoping you're reasonably attractive and reasonably fit. It's important that you're independent and smart. It's a must that you have a sense of humor and a sense of wonder about the world.
Not sure if this is important to you, but I happen to be white or Caucasian or pink or whatever you want to call it. I don't care what color you are.
Me? I string words together for a living and I know that sounds boring to some people. But I'm good at what I do and I enjoy it. I'm average height, 12 pounds over ideal weight, reasonably attractive, in OK shape. These are the things I love: my two children, my friends, baseball, animals, Tejava iced tea, Stanford Women's basketball, live music, books, movies, Cirque de Soleil and the wonders of nature in California and other parts of the world.
Here's the hard stuff: I have Crohn's Disease and have had it since I was 14 years old. The good news is that a company called Centocor introduced a new medication four years ago and it's working wonderfully. I'm in complete remission now and have been off that miserable Prednisone for almost 18 months. All I have to do these days is go into my clinic every eight weeks for an IV infusion of the drug. It's a very peaceful three hours.
I'm also a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, and I've been clean and sober for more than three years. I've done a ton of inner work in the process and can now say that I'm finally at peace with myself. I'm getting good at living in the moment, and reacting with kindness and understanding rather than rage.
I know some of this might make you leery, so here's something on the plus side. A lot of guys are egotistical, skirt-chasing a-holes who couldn't keep it in their pants with a carton of Krazy Glue. I'm someone who believes in and practices monogamy.
I can also be very kind, gentle and thoughtful. I know, I know -- so's your dog. But I can also fix a full tea service with either hand -- bet your dog can't.
Finally, I am a classic introvert and need to be alone to recharge -- Myers-Briggs has me nailed on this one.
So if all of this doesn't make you run away screaming or gulp a handful of Ambien, please drop me some electrons with photo and I'll do the same.
Now you see why I don't work in Marketing. And why I'm still alone. Heavy sigh.
Some days I feel like a blue whale (and that's not a comment on my waistline). Have you ever seen one up close? A blue whale's skin is marred with barnacles and other parasitic creatures, stuck like dried pasta to his sides. His body is etched with long white and gray scars, reminders of every battle he's ever had with a Great White Shark or giant squid or orca or even a motorboat or cruise ship.
Up close, he's a mess. He looks like a monster -- the stuff of nightmares -- not the romantic, story-book image we have of the ocean's monarch. But back up the camera to about 30 meters away. Watch him soar through the blue-green ocean -- up to the surface -- where he breaches into the world of light, blows the used air from his lungs, sucks in clean and shimmering oxygen, and crashes back down into the water.
See him dive. He fans the water with his powerful tail, rhythmically pushing down, down. Then he levels off, pulling up his huge head with those wise, knowing eyes and he glides to the right slowly, rolling and twisting through the dark blue depths with the poise and grace of a prima ballerina.
It's hard to believe such a massive creature can be so lithe, so graceful underwater. But it's absolutely true. He's beautiful when he swims.
And that's what it's like for me. I struggle through life sometimes. But when I sit in front of a keyboard, my brain engaged and my fingers flying -- the blank page before me filling up with those tiny letters so neatly arranged into little presents -- I feel like a blue whale, gliding easily through the water. I feel alive. I feel free.
I feel beautiful.
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